We saw Star Wars

*Here be spoilers*

Seeing films in the cinema is more complicated now. The baby is not the best moviegoing accessory, prone as she is to shrieking like her legs are being sawn off, and projectile vomiting (a good three foot range.) We deposited her on the grandparents, and she spent the duration of the movie happily asleep, lashed to her grandfather.

My thoughts having seen it:

Episode VII is like drinking a pint of Speckled Hen after lent -  it doesn't matter that it's a thoroughly average example of the form, it's exactly what was missing, so it feels brilliant. The best and worst I can say for the film is that "it does the job." It's a workmanlike retread of Star Wars tropes, the Hero's journey, magic samurai and World War 2 dogfighting. Turns out that's enough.

It's a kid's film. The morality is black and white (with the concept that a person can change from one side to the other, rather than exist in a grey area), it runs on narrative causality, and the geopolitics are at the level of complexity a Trump voter could understand. That's all great. The last time a Star Wars movie had believable geopolitics it was a right dog's arse. Space fairytales are rad.

JJ Abrams style is more readable than I thought. +Zak Smith had a good discussion thread that identified some of the signs - travel is so easy and communication so fast that space is functionally very small, and locating a person is only ever a matter of knowing where they are, not undertaking a journey to get to them. (I wonder - is that something an iPad and Satnav child would even notice?) I don't think Abrams is good at incidental texture either - while the plot clips along at a fantastic rate and much more happens than in any of the original trilogy movies, the incidental and often banal details of the OT (things like briefing scenes given by unnamed military personnel, the many different technicians failing to repair the Millenium Falcon in Empire, the multi-stage ritual of entering Jabba's palace) act as narrative greebling, suggesting a scale to events that extends outside the bounds of the movie. Abrams manages it for Rey, but fluffs it completely with the Resistance and the New Order.

Kylo Ren is really beautifully portrayed. Top scenes - removing his helmet, and trying to pray the lightside away. He reminded me of Malfoy trying to be the man who can kill Dumbledore in Half Blood Prince. Hotvader is definitely in. The concept that being bad is also a lot of mental effort, that people are naturally inclined against, is a very nice one to see added to the lexicon of villainy.

Starkiller Base is nowhere near as cool as Death Star. Dieter Rams would hate Starkiller Base.

I think that's the extent of my original or semi-original thoughts.

Children are Lovecraftian

Lovecraftian in the sense of - they enter the universe from outside it. They are an imposition of existence out of nothingness that was not and now is. I existed for twenty-seven years before my daughter was part of the universe. She will never, truly, comprehend that, because her universe began to exist only when she was born.

Lovecraftian in the sense of - they manifest themselves within the flesh of an adult human and wrench their way bodily into the material plane in a nightmare day-long ritual of pain and gore. Have you even seen afterbirth? Google it. Tadah! Now you know how Shoggoths look. (Or DnD Black Puddings).

Lovecraftian in the sense of - they are (at least to begin with) a profoundly abstract consciousness, a minimal, machinelike, binary dot of need or satiation. They comprehend nothing and experience everything in ways that adults have forgotten.

Lovecraftian in the sense of - they are vampires. Fucking vampires. They feed on your energy and love and use mindrays (and oxytocin) to enslave you. I am a ghoul now. I am a sleepless thing eating bugs and worms. I exist to serve the beast.

Lovecraftian in the sense of - they are a physical manifestation of deep time, and the knowledge you will be superceded and forgotten, and only through mimicry and memetic transfer can you hope to raise feeble dams against the onslaught of entropy that will drown the fortresses of man.

We took the "Make more meeples" action

Eleven months ago, on the train to Manchester, my girlfriend called me and told me she was pregnant. This was unexpected. I was travelling to Manchester for a two-day training workshop on public sector commissioning protocols as they applied to arts organisations, and to meet with a Mancunian theatre with a particularly excellent approach to youth engagement, and for another meeting with an artist-led company with a great reputation for participatory arts practise, and then a daylong meetup of the This +5 Sceptered Isle OSR community. I was not prepared to hear about our fecundity. I skipped out on the OSR meetup. Then (if you've done the maths you'll be way ahead on this one) about two months ago we had a baby.

I say "we". My girlfriend did most of the work. The terrifying, mind-shattering work. I'm surprised that more of the bible isn't about childbirth. Or the Iliad. Literature in general. The canon. Anyway, two weeks postpartum, as if to prove that she is a mad hard bastard who could put a Glaswegian longshoreman into a coma with just her outgoing personality, my girlfriend applied for and got her dream job. Now we're moving to York.

We have a baby, who I alternate between calling Bugglesnuff and Professor Wiggles, and we're moving to York, and I'm going to be a stay-at-home dad. It's all a bit new. All a bit... original. I suspect I might have a thing to write about.

The two types of monster manual you meet in heaven

Like everyone else in the LOTFP G+ community I picked up +Patrick Stuart and +Scrap Princess's Fire on the Velvet Horizon and +Rafael Chandler and +Gennifer Bone's Lusus Naturae, which are excellent windows onto all four creator's brilliant work.

In a game of Shag, Marry, Avoid, played with monster manuals, I would marry FotVH and shag Lusus Naturae. (What would I avoid? I'm a monster manual whore. I eye up the rubbish third party 3e monster manuals at my FLGS, and those are some well-thumbed volumes that weren't exactly lookers to start with. I guess I mean that I would shag Lusus first.)

Lusus is immediately compatible with you. It's easy going, it has loads to offer, and it's really obvious that it's ready to play. You know as soon as you set eyes on it you're going to find something fun to do with it. Maybe you'll return a few times, try out a few things you've never experimented with before. Maybe you'll hit it off and find yourself being drawn closer and closer after each session, slowly building something more meaningful than just that rush of adrenaline, a connection with the implied plot that gradually infiltrates your campaign. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just going to be a one time-thing - one monster that you can drop into your next session, a few recurring baddies, some nice flavour for your setting. This is one to try out and see what you and it can get up to together, because whatever happens satisfaction is guaranteed.

FotVH is not a one-time thing. Opening FotVH you know that it is going to change you. You might break off a long-running game just to make time for it, just to make sense of a single one of its ideas and find out what it means to play in the way this book implies you need to play. You'll find yourself making compromises  you never thought you would make, adapting your campaign in order to better respond  to it, accommodate its idiosyncrasies and needs. Ultimately it will make you want to be a better person, to be good enough to receive the gift of its strangeness and light.

There are two kinds of RPG content I want. One is the shaggable stuff - the stuff that is immediately, obviously fun and ready to play. Lots of +James Raggi's stuff is like this, most of +Zak Smith's stuff too, all of +Rafael Chandler's (Pandemonio is the most fuckable RPG I've ever read), Metzger's Metamorphica, anything that Ken Hite and Robin Laws talk about... anything that is ready to rock, doesn't want you to change, doesn't put up any barriers between you and having fun. The marriagable RPGs are rarer - Patrick Stuart produces nothing but*, lots of Zak S's stuff is as well, +Greg Stolze's Unknown Armies - the kind of RPG that cracks your skull open and sticks its hands into your brain and rearranges the pieces so that suddenly you realise you have always been wrong, that sort of thing doesn't come along often. Probably just as well. One heart-breaking romance at a time is just about all I can keep up with.

*Pat how much money / shells of extinct sea creatures / crystalised eyes of arctic amphibians will it take for you to write Exosuits of the Hot Chicks into a starcrawl RPG with some kind of armour-sculpture-beauty-power stat system and get Zak S to illustrate? Because that not existing is one reason causing the heat death of the universe.

Forgive Us - thoughts on play

On the weekend Team Anti-Capitalism, the years-old spurts and fits Unknown Armies game I'm part of met up from the different corners of the British Isles for a long awaited get together. Except that +Pete Wolfendale was suffering from velvet brain worms or some similarly horrific mental complaint, so instead I ran Lamentations. I didn't have prep time and also before the game I had to move half a tree and a bunch of gravel into a skip, so what happened was I ran Forgive Us by Kelvin Green.

Spoilery thoughts below:

1. This is a Warhammer Fantasy Role Play module, right? Everyone knows this? It's not on the cover but that's what it is. I mean, that's a great thing. Nurgle is the best plague God. Who even knows about other plague Gods? Except old testament Jehovah I guess. But he doesn't have Plague Bearers. There are no Plague Bearers in this module yet but you could fit them in. It would be like taking apart an Ikea bookshelf and using it as a standing desk or a cupboard or what have you.

2. This is a really perfect module for a one shot. I read it in about twenty minutes and the players went from plot hook to clusterfuck in about three hours. That included the players reloading their save after they got to the end and Nottingham was a flaming hellscape with face-fucking tentacle monsters everywhere and they hadn't got a clue what was going on and they didn't even go in the vault. So we reversed time, let them fiddle with the vault, then two of them died in a pit trap and one of them ran screaming into the chalk caves below the city. Pretty good.

3. This module has the structure of a three panel comic. Panel one - hook the PCs. Panel two - they explore the Dog and Bastard. Panel three - The Thing. Keep it snappy and don't forget the point of panel two is to get to panel three. If your players really chaff at losing characters maybe don't drop this on them? Because surviving this module would involve not experiencing it.

4. You could start a campaign off the back of this module. That would be good. The mooks who die in this one are only there for the prelude. Then run the campaign using All Flesh Must Be Eaten.

5. Don't skip out the second adventuring party. My players didn't even say hi to them, but having this other group of jerks rummaging through the thieves' complex helped keep the players nervous and honest and on point. Also good for visual things - torches lit in the other buildings, a man with wounds down his arms after an (unseen) encounter with the dog thing.

Have some class

The players in my home game have been pressing up against the edges of the base classes in Lamentations of the Flame Princess. So I've sketched together some variant classes that tweak things a little to bring the mechanics a bit closer to the flavour or enable them to do something that isn't really covered by the core classes.

These are rough and ready and untested yet - suggestions welcome.

Witch

Saves, hit dice, attack bonus and level advancement and skills as per Cleric or Magic-User; player's choice. Additionally, a Cleric or a Magic-User can take Witch levels, with progression as per their base class. Witches are either Lawful (read omens) or Chaotic (consult with spirits).

Abilities

The witch has the once per day per ability to cast Curse. This is the opposite of Bless; the target suffers d6+level negative points across their dice rolls for one day. The caster can decide when these points afflict them.

The witch can brew Potions. The witch cannot cast the spells, but is able to create a potion capturing its effects. This takes d6x spell level days and requires 50sp per day. The Witch can brew a potion of any spell from the Cleric or Magic-User list that requires a target, that they would be able to cast if they were a Cleric or Magic-User of equivalent level. This takes d6x spell level days, and costs 50sp per day. For every level the witch gets a 50sp reduction in the cost of the brewing the potion – it still takes the full amount of time, but a skilled Witch can brew potions from nothing more than Wing of Bat and Eye of Newt. A Witch doesn't need a laboratory to create potions – just a cauldron.

For characters that are both a Witch and either a Cleric or a Magic-User:

Use their level solely as a Witch to calculate their Curse ability.

Use their combined level as a Witch and a Cleric to calculate the maximum level of potion they can brew from a Cleric spell, and the cost reduction when brewing Cleric spells.

User their combined level as a Witch and a Magic-User to calculate the maximum level of potion they can brew from a Magic-User spell, and the cost reduction when brewing Cleric spells.

Animal Handler

Saves, hit dice, attack bonus and level advancement as per Specialist.

Abilities

The Animal Handler can form a close bond with a number of animals equal to their Charisma modifier plus one (minimum one). The maximum HD these animals can have is equal to the Animal Handler's level. Normal horses and dogs will have one hit dice, a bear will have two to four, an elephant will have four to six. A bonded animal will perform any trained behaviours well (and without any dick moves from the GM). Bonding to an animal takes one month of regular training and may be dangerous depending on the animal in question.

A trained animal can be sold on and will be more valuable than an untrained animal, though it will not perform its behaviours without question for anyone other than an Animal Handler it has bonded with.

The Animal Handler gains skill points as per a Specialist, but they have access to different skills.

Animal Ken

This skill enables the Animal Handler to get along with animals they normally couldn't. A successful roll indicates the Animal Handler has the animal's trust, at least temporarily. This could let an Animal Handler slip by a guard dog, make a wild bear back off rather than attacking, or tempt in a valuable bird of paradise to eat seed from their hand. This doesn't work once an animal has started attacking, or if someone else is directly influencing its behaviour.

Trained behaviour

Each one of the animal handler's bonded animals has one trained behaviour as standard depending on the type of animal it is. In addition, the Animal Handler can use a skill point to learn how to teach one additional behaviour to one class of animal (dogs, birds, rodents, horses, livestock, elephants, bears, monsters etc.) It takes one month to train a new behaviour.

Horses and ponies: Accept rider

Retriever dogs: Retrieve

Hawks, ferrets: Hunt

Large nasty dogs, bears, monsters: Attack

Pigeons, carrier-hawks: Carry message

Blood-hounds: Track

Other behaviours include:

Stop that

Herd livestock

Ride into combat

Go into that hole and bring out something shiny

Go into that hole and bring out something made of paper

Perform (specific natural behaviour)

Beg!

Roll over.

Play dead.

Monsters and wild animals that cannot be truly domesticated may need to be taught the behaviour: Keep calm just a bit longer, please don't attack, yes he's shouting but he's very important and has a lot of soldiers behind him.

Cleric of the Hanged God – variant Cleric

This is a straight set of spell swaps for the Cleric based on the Hanged God of Murderers and Chieftains, a background deity who has accidentally become a live concern in my campaign.

The Cleric loses Cure Light Wounds, Cure Serious Wounds and Cure Critical Wounds

In their place he gains:

Consume the liver and spleen

Cleric level 1

Duration: 1 turn / level

Range: Touch

The Cleric removes the liver and spleen from an enemy the Cleric or their subordinates killed through open violence, and either eats the organs raw or feeds them to someone. The person who eats the liver and spleen heals 1 hp per HD of the enemy, and gains a +1 attack bonus per HD of the enemy.

The arm bleeds to preserve the head

Cleric level 4

Duration: 24 hours.

Range: Touch

The Cleric designates chattle – these must be sentient creatures the Cleric owns or has vassalage over (a serf or subject will do, but a member of your congregation or an employee will not.) The Cleric may designate 1HD of chattle per level. When the cleric would take damage, it is instead inflicted on the chattle provided they are on the same plane of existence.

Like unto the Hanged God mighty shall you be

Cleric level 5

Duration: 1 turn / level

Range: Touch

The target must strip naked, daub themselves in woad, hold a metal sword, tie a rope around their left ankle and don a crown made of horns before this spell can successfully be cast on them. When the spell is cast the rope will lift them into the air and they will hang upside down. They are able to move around like this, as per their unencumbered walking speed, hovering freely in three dimensions. Their AC becomes 16+Dexterity modifier and they gain the benefits of the Heroism spell for the full duration of this spell. As long as they do not let go of it, their sword can also injure monsters immune to non-magical weaponry.

Trap logic

Why build a trap?

1. Password protection. That is - you're hiding something, you want to come back for it later, you want to ensure no-one gets to it before you. Knowledge of how to circumvent the trap is the password.

2. Military strategy. Could be a component of fixed-location-defense (murder-holes, false gates, landmines) guerilla warfare (spike pits, different landmines) or part of an ambush. Basic premise - make your enemy fear to enter a location, or punish them for entering it, or both.

3. Hunting technique. Webs and snares. Potentially nonlethal. Main purpose - physically restrains a prey creature so you can devour their succulent heart.

4. Disbarment. Not the same as defense - this isn't about keeping an enemy away from something of tactical value, it's about keeping everyone away from something that it no-one should have. When burying an artefact under sixteen tonnes of stone isn't enough to keep it out of people's hands, fill a corridor with scythe pendulums, parasitic wasp nests, explosive runes, gorgon-eye jewels, mirrors, false-mirrors hiding doppelgangers, ooze monsters, wand of fireball, large blocks of gelignite carved to resemble ooze monsters, ooze monsters disguised as bars of gelignite, lamp oil laced with napalm, oil bottles with warning labels containing small font explosive runes, word puzzle that must be completed to open final door (spells out "explosive runes".)

5. Shits and giggles. You have a sense of humour / justice / revenge based around pulling the wings off flies. Death traps are what you do instead of lathing table legs. Basically a craft hobby.

6. Don't build a trap. Then something happens. Example - bottom fifteen feet of a shaft containing a cage elevator floods with water, elevator continues working. Elevator gradually fills with the bones of people who don't notice all the other bones in the elevator.

7. Scourge the unworthy. You don't want some chickenshit lifting the Crown of the Everchosen. Make them earn it. (Likewise - coming of age rituals, learning the inner mysteries of a temple, romancing an Elf lord/lady, buying shit at Argos.)

Suggestions?